A Sad Realization

Although I had a good weekend—I attended my friends’ wedding, and another friend’s housewarming party—I felt weak and sick. Apparently, I caught a cold from somewhere, and I’m not feeling too well. To top it all off, I have a ton of paperwork to grade. I can’t grade when I’m sick. My brain is half-working. Nausea is making a comeback. Ugh!

Now that I’ve gotten into some sort of routine, I’m thinking about how I feel about teaching. I honestly can’t see myself doing this for the rest of my life. It’s a sad thought. I said that this is what I’ve always wanted, that it was my dream job, but the more I get into the work and the kids, I keep asking myself if I’m happy. Should happiness be a factor in my decision to stay in the teaching field? For that matter, should it be a factor in anything?

I want to wake up everyday and know that I’m satisfied in my life and with what I do. If I can’t do that, I’ll always complain about something and always ask for more. But those paradoxes are coming at me, a lot harder and more persistent: I am selfish, and I hate the altruism of my job. I like to work alone and independent, but being surrounded by so many people—kids, administrators, and colleagues—seem to crowd my world. I like to go home and not bring work with me. My time is not my time. Saturday is my only day of rest. As you can see, I am complaining.

The one that gets me the most is the sacrifice my job demands. I devote so much and get nothing out of it, maybe a nice paycheck, but that goes back into my job as I buy things for the classroom or books for my lesson plans. As much as teaching has always been something I wanted, the reality is: it’s not something I want now. I hate the apathy that my students have. I feel like I’m wasting my time when I try to encourage them to do something. I always felt that relationships were based on a compromise, a give-and-take sort of thing. Teaching isn’t like that. I give all my time, and the students take all my energy. I give all the answers, and they take it for granted that I’ll always do that. I’m tired of caring, especially when they don’t.

Am I still stressed? Only once in a while. Am I thinking straight? Maybe not; after all, I’m sick at this moment. Am I happy? No. I know this for sure. Do I want to quit teaching? I’m not going to quit this semester; I am bound by a contract. But I don’t know about what will happen next semester. I once said that I wasn’t going to quit. I don’t think that this is quitting, but a realization. Why should I stay in a job that’s not making me happy? Even after all the training I went through in the credential program, I don’t feel that I owe it to them to stay. Even after I have invested much of my time to education, I can’t stay in this field just for that reason alone.

For the moment, I can see myself working alone and independent in a cubicle. When five o’clock hits, I can see myself going home and relaxing, and rewarding myself with time for me alone. I am a selfish person. This is coming out more and more as I teach. Deep down, there are times when I really don’t care about anyone—especially apathetic students.

Incentive for the week: house-sitting and cat-sitting for my old roommates. It's tragic when I want the week to be over already. It only means that I'm doing a job, and not making my days meaningful.