Sometimes I wish I can live in a neighborhood where there aren't so many wannabe-rockstars with a band. I hate hearing classic songs ripped to pieces by a person who just can't sing. My neighborhood is like a karaoke bar. It's pathetic.

The Answer to Life: 42

There are approximately seven weeks left in the school year. I haven't been getting many calls to substitute. I'm sure that teachers are in the crunch to teach their students in time for the big finals. No time for breaks, ergo, no need for substitutes. I need another job. I actually started doing applications for retail/sales-- bookstores, shopping malls... The thing is: I'm a teacher... a professional who was making $$$. I'm sure I'm not getting any calls because I'm overqualified for minimum wage jobs.

I'm stuck in limbo. It sucks. And I'm bored out of my mind as I linger about the house, trying to finding the purpose of my wasted days.

Reverse Culture Shock In Effect... Now

Today was my first official day of going back to work. Yes, audience, I started substituting again. As I walked on campus, marveling at being back in an American high school, I was also at a dismay when I started seeing the way girls dress. Did shirts gets tinier? Did skirts get smaller? Did low-rise jeans get lower? And those boys... sagging that you can see their boxers curve their asses. I hate playing dress code police. Why don't fathers check what their daughters are wearing? I almost began to miss the Japanese school uniforms.

Luckily, the classes I subbed weren't so bad... until the last period. Female culprit; her outfit: low-rise jeans and a black blouse baring a bit of midriff. Sounds and looks tame. In fact, I didn't even think much of it. Not until the very end of class when she turned in her desk and started talking to some of her classmates. She had been talking for most of the period, so when the bell rang, I called her to approach the bench.

In cold female to female honesty, I said to her: "I just wanted to say that when you sit down, your butt-crack shows."

She laughed. I don't know whether she laughed because she tried to hide her embarrassment or because she didn't believe me. Maybe she even laughed because I was just a substitute who had no real jurisdiction and she thought she was going to get away with it today. Or maybe she laughed because she thought she was going to be in trouble for talking so much and she didn't expect me to make a comment about her ass. She laughed and disregarded my comment. I couldn't tell her to pull up her pants. They were already low. I was so itching to say some degrading sexist comment. Must... control... myself.

And damn you, Britney Spears. I blame you for all of this.

Breaking Out of My Shell

Went to the job fair. I handed out 6 resumés! Now, I didn't just hand them out just so I can achieve my goal, but I gave them to districts that I seriously thought about teaching in. Not only that, I got interviewed on the spot by a school representative.

I'm so proud of myself. It's times like these when I feel I can actually conquer the world. I'm feeling more confident that I will get a job this coming school year.

The Psyche of Asian Submissiveness

There's a stereotype that all Asians are politely mannered and submissive, that we're such a friendly people. Maybe it's a cultural thing that all Asian parents teach their children. They encourage them to always do their best. I'm sure that non-Asian parents teach their kids those same ideals and values that hard work pays off, but I think that there's an element that is missing when Asian parents try to instill in their children those same ideals.

I could never actually describe this element... until now. It's that weird submissiveness psyche. I've always been taught that girls should never be forward, and I believed it was some age-old sexism that a woman's place is in the home; an independent and headstrong woman will never find a husband. A husband feels that it is his role to take care of his wife, and a woman who can take care of herself is a turn-off to any man who wants a traditional household. Believe it or not, this ideal is very much alive in Asia.

But I don't think it is much sexism as it is the psyche of being Asian. People from Asia with different cultures are at opposite poles with American ideals. In retrospect, I saw a lot of it back in my old university. And I'm seeing it more now in the job market. Asian parents only encourage their children to do their best, while I believe that Caucasian parents encourage independence. These two things-- doing one's best versus independence-- can alter the way a child will grow.

My parents have always taught that I should just do my best. If I ever failed, well... at least I tried. Those were always the comforting words: "At least you tried." Now as a teacher, I'm seeing it all over again. My Asian kids just seem to do the work, they sometimes participate in class, and they accept whatever I give them. They whole heartedly believe that if they do everything, they will get the best grade they possibly could. My Caucasian students are different. Why do they always challenge me? Why do they always argue with me when I give them a grade that they don't like? Why do they try to bargain with me when they fail assignments?

I took it as a sign of disrespect when they come up to me and argue their grade when it's not to their liking. But then I realized something: it's that very skill that makes them more competitive in college and most of all, in the job market. In college, I rarely participated in class, but all my White classmates said a lot. I begin to wonder, how much of their thinking has influenced the classroom to the point where it had affected my learning? I will never know because I never voiced my opinion and my perspective. I sat and listened. Sometimes I participated. I never argued about my grades even when I should have (like those shitty poetry and grammar classes taught by professors who didn't like their subject matter and obviously didn't care about seriously teaching it.) In the meantime, I've heard stories of my White classmates setting up appointments to see their professors during office hours, they loudly voiced their opinions in a lecture class, and in one case, I remember a male student arguing with a professor about abortion laws. I would never have the guts to do that-- not even in the privacy of an office.

And in the job market... while I hang back and politely introduce myself and answer all the questions, I see my White competitors taking initiative by making themselves known and heard. I came upon this two years ago while I was in the credential program. There was a job fair for teachers. I went and talked to some of the people and handed out my resumé. I made ten copies of my resumé and I only handed out three. I was intimidated at that fair. Intimidated by all the White people; intimidated that when I was talking to a recruiter, a White girl stood behind me eagerly waiting for her turn with resumé in hand; intimidated that while I waited to talk to a recruiter, a White person could talk for an endless five minutes to make himself or herself stand out from the crowd, saying everything from their name to other bits of information that was never on their resumé . They took control of their conversations, asking all sorts of questions. To sum it all: it looked like they were interviewing the recruiters. They took initiative.

After the conference, I talked to some friends in the same credential program. I only handed out three resumés while my classmate, who we used to tease as our "token White guy," handed out eight of his ten copies. I felt like a loser.

I've always believed that doing my best would always get me far, but now I'm thinking differently. Competing for a job is fierce and I have to be aggressive and prove to people that I am the best. Yet doing that is so difficult because it was never in my mentality to be aggressive. It's like being something I'm not. I believe in hard work, but I always thought it would pay off and I will get my rewards. In this case, I have to fight for my rewards.

I feel that that is what's missing in the dynamic of teaching Asian kids success. They are only taught that hard work is good, but hard work is just the basic thing. Competition and taking initiative are just as important. It's a mentality that is not really instilled in Asian culture.

I have a job fair to attend to this week. I may have more experience than those newbie fledgling student-teachers in the credential program, but that doesn't guarantee that I'll get a job. If there's one thing that I learned from Japan, it was that everyone saw me as the aggressive and individualistic American because I spoke my mind too much. But that was Japan; I need to stick out more here in America just as I stuck out too much over there. So, now I have a goal. I have ten newly updated resumés , and I better hand out at least five or more. (It depends on how many interesting districts will be there. I'm picky that way.)

Fledging student-teachers, beware!

I'm the Blonde One, and I'm All Right With That

Even though I'm a teacher (and generally stereotyped as a smart person), I can be really dumb at times. I admit: my degree and credentials only prove I am adept enough in the classroom, but when it comes to social graces and wit, I can be really clueless. One of my friends fittingly described that only in our inner circle do they actually find my naivete as a source of humor. I'm glad of that. I provide some enjoyment and maybe one day, their gentle rebukes --an oxymoron!-- will sharpen my soft-hearted gullible edges. In the meantime, I'm grateful that I have some friends who just let me be that way and don't point out the fact, nor do they demand, that I should be a smarter person just because of my occupation and academic background.

Up and Running

Ever since my return to Stateside, I've had a near-horrific experience when I discovered that the Internet has been unplugged at the house due to redecorating. I never knew how much my life has revolved around Internet-- from checking email (basic communication to friends) to routine paperwork (typing letters for job interviews) to mundane research (what district is hiring now?). I've wasted nearly three weeks doing nothing productive. Not to say that Internet is the only way to be productive, but it was the source of being productive.

Well, now that the Internet is up and running again... my days can finally start off properly.