Wednesday, November 06, 2002

I. Ode to My Car

Fate likes to throw things in my path when I think my life is suddenly perfect. My life is not perfect-perfect, but perfect enough that I am always thankful for my blessings and everything else that keeps me functional and my life running smoothly. How do I know my life is perfect? I gauge everything through my car.

As you all know, I love my car. You can even say that I love my car to the point that someone can literally torture me by destroying my car. I would cry if someone were to slash my tires. A little knick on the paint job would tick me off. I get paranoid when any of my sisters drive it. I look at my car with pride when I see it in a parking lot. I love the color. It’s so me. What else can I say?

So, how does my car connect to my perfect life? Here are the ways…

Fate’s First Obstacle: Last December, my life was “perfect.” I had a good job that was flexible with my school schedule; I was in the credential program on my way to being a teacher; I was living with my roommates who are also very good friends of mine; Christmas was coming, and I actually had time and money to shop and buy gift. I felt like I was being a responsible adult because I was independent. Could life get any better? I think not! One morning, I was feeling particularly happy that I decided to go to work early. What happened? I get into a car accident on the way there—less than five blocks from where I was living. It was my very first car accident in the six years that I have been driving. I panicked. I called my mother and father, and I suddenly felt like a child again. Damage to my car: eight-inch crack on the rear bumper.

Although it was the other driver’s fault (he ran a STOP sign when it was my turn), and he paid for the damages of my car, I learned a valuable lesson: how insurance companies worked.

Fate’s Second Obstacle: After that first accident, I got my car fixed. I avoided the intersection where that first accident occurred because I didn’t want anything to happen to my pretty car. My roommates even showed me a shortcut through a back road that had less traffic. It was now the second semester of my credential program, and I continued on with my “perfect” life. I was student-teaching in a great school, I was getting the hang of teaching, I was on top of all the grading I needed to get done, and I just got my car fixed. I had a very resourceful and helpful master-teacher who said I could sleep in one morning because the students had to take a mandatory test, which he had to administer. Could life get any better? I think not! So after sleeping in, I took my time getting ready for work, making sure I had everything. At another intersection, I get into another accident. I didn’t panic, but rather, I repressed the anger.

Again, it was the fault of another driver (he had a suspended driver’s license and no insurance). These are the things I learned:
a) how insurance companies worked when they’re out to get someone
b) how police officers file accident reports
c) how quickly accident scenes are cleared up
d) the little duties that retired volunteer officers actually do

I also learned some things about myself. As I watched the three other drivers of each car be carried away on gurneys and whisked away in ambulances, and while their cars were being towed away from the scene, I realized how lucky I was to still be standing and with my car still functional. Damage to my car: a huge dimple on the left rear quarter panel that wasn’t there before.

Fate’s Third Obstacle: Summer. My younger sister was home from college. We were the only ones living at home with parents. We spent the summer just hanging out, acting goofy, and spending quality time together before she went off to Massachusetts again. I just graduated from the credential program, and I was looking for a teaching job. But my main focus was just finally having time for myself and for my sister. I even got my car fixed from that second accident. After getting my car back, my sister and I decide to go to Los Angeles to shop, hang out, and visit my other sister. Could life get any better? I think not! We were only ten minutes away from our destination when we suddenly come upon an unexpected stop-and-go traffic, and I got involved in a chain reaction accident. Damage to my car: cracked rear bumper and cracked front grill.

According to the investigation, the accident was partially my fault for driving too close to the car in front of me. It was only partial fault because I was rear-ended by someone else who was driving too close behind me. The external things that I learned:
a) how Los Angeles CHP takes a traffic report (UGH!! Don’t get me started!)
b) Los Angeles freeways have no shoulder/emergency lanes (You suck, LA!)
c) how well my Camry withstood the force of an oncoming sports utility vehicle (a big one)
d) how and why my insurance policy will change (damn it!)
e) the possibility of losing my license due to the many accidents I have been in (F**K!)

The internal things I learned:
a) third accident; I feel like a pro.
b) how worried I was for my sister, and how I had to be in control so that she wouldn’t worry.
c) how calm I was, and how in-control I was of my feelings despite my anger and frustration with CHP.
d) how lucky both my sister and I were that day. In fact, I was glad all the drivers and passengers in all the cars involved were okay.

II. When Life Flashes

Fate’s Fourth Obstacle: I’ve noticed that whenever I get my car fixed after an accident, I get into another accident. I decided not to get my car fixed after my third accident. I’ve been driving around town with a broken bumper, but if it keeps me from getting into another accident, I’ll keep it. Besides, it’s very subtle; no one can tell it’s broken unless you press against it. So, how’s my “perfect” life? Well, I got a job. Although there are times when I hate it, there are days when I am happy. It is all a slow process, but I’m bringing less work home, I’m finally thinking happy positive thoughts again, and I’m slowly learning how to balance work and social time. Weekends actually feel like weekends again. I don’t quite have the hang of this job yet, but I’m slowly making progress, and I’m trying to remain optimistic. My friends have been supportive, especially the other first year teachers and my old roommates. Call it cheesy, but it feels like a new outlook on life. Could life get any better? I think not—and you guessed it! I got into another accident.

No other car was involved. It was just me and some huge-f**king-ass debris in the middle of the freeway that I demolished as I tried to avoid it. Whatever the hell that was, I will never know! It looked like some wooden desk or even the wooden frame of a has-been couch! It was just sitting there in the middle of the freeway. As I tried to avoid this thing, I swerved and hit it, demolished it, then I swerved to avoid the center divide. As I tried to straighten my car out, it only spun me out of control across three lanes and landed me in the middle of freeway, broadside to oncoming traffic and facing the center divide. I grabbed the gear and pulled it into reverse and slammed my foot onto the pedal to get out of the way as another SUV and sedan were coming at me. I bumped into the shoulder’s curb as I straightened out in the emergency lane.

My life flashed before me and I almost broke down. I had no control of my car as it spun across the freeway. Oncoming traffic could have slammed into me a dozen times—while I was spinning and even when my car was stopped across the lanes—but it didn’t. As I was flying across the freeway with both my hands gripping the wheel, I suddenly remembered an accident in Los Angeles where a red mustang spun out of control and a white SUV was headed straight for it because it couldn’t stop in time. I didn’t know why I thought of that accident. I tried to remember all the steering techniques that I read about in order to avoid skidding. Was I pressing the brakes or the gas pedal? I only had a split moment to think when I put the car in reverse to avoid oncoming traffic. I don’t even know how I thought of that as I stared at headlights coming at me. I didn’t care when I bumped into the shoulder’s curb and further damaged my car. I only wanted to get out of people’s way. As I turned off the engine, I can remember telling myself that I shouldn’t cry because no one was hurt or involved. I was not the cause of any accident. I should be grateful because I was still alive and in one piece. But I had never been in an accident like that before, and I didn’t know what to do. I called my parents in a panic. When I realized stuff was leaking out of my car, I called a friend to call a tow-truck company. Stupid me for not having the number of a tow truck company handy.

My father and a friend came out to help and to assess the damage of my car. It’s still in one piece, but it’s falling apart: the front bumper is totally damaged, the right hub-cap is gone (my friend found pieces of it in the freeway), the tank that holds the windshield wiper fluid is punctured, and the front right quarter panel and the door is damaged. The car still runs, so I drove it home with my friend following after me. When I got home, I cried--partially for my car, but also because I still couldn't believe what had happened.

What lessons or things have I learned? I don’t know yet. But I can tell you what I am still feeling:
a) shock—because no one else was involved, no one was hurt, and because I miraculously survived.
b) anger—WHAT THE HELL WAS A DESK—OR WHAT HAVE YOU—DOING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREEWAY?
c) relief—I’m alive.

So, maybe Fate likes to throw stuff in my way when I get too proud of my accomplishments or too happy with my life. Then again, each of these accidents is bigger than the previous one. This is a sign. I think Fate has something grand in store for me in the future… another accident? Maybe something that might actually hurt me?

III. Anger and Hate

What the f**k was a wooden thinga-ma-jiggie doing in the middle of the freeway? Some asshole was driving down the freeway, doesn’t notice that he dropped a huge wooden frame of something, and keeps on driving? Does he even hear that something was falling off his truck? Does he even check his rearview mirrors to see if anything was sitting in the highway that was left in his wake? Does he think, “Oh, I’ll come by and pick it up later”? Doesn’t he know that leaving a wooden-whatever is hazardous for other drivers?

I am so angry right now. I already deal with some stupid kids, and now I have to deal with stupid drivers on the highway who leave their junk on the road. I’m paranoid because I could lose my license for this—for some idiot’s irresponsibility. My anger and hate can reach far into irrationality, but I don't want to go there and write what I'm REALLY thinking. Damn it!

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