Negated

There’s this thing that veteran teachers call “first-year doubts.” It’s self-explanatory, but for those who still don’t get it, it’s when first-year teachers begin to doubt that teaching is really meant for them. Some decide to leave and some decide to stay. It’s always that first year that either makes or breaks first-year teachers. It got me thinking: if every teacher has felt this way at one point during their career, then what makes me so different?

When I realized that teaching wasn’t the job for me, I began to question how valid my own reasoning is. Aspects of my job just don’t fit my personality, such as taking the initiative to be aggressive, my selfishness against altruism, the constant sixteen-hour thinking, the crowds of colleagues and students; this entire thing is just not me. I can’t see myself doing this forever. But at the same time, I don’t know if my thoughts are based on these “first-year doubts,” or if they are valid and logical realizations stemmed from my own deductions of knowing myself.

This is a “fork-in-the-road” for me. I have the sudden need to find out where my thoughts are rooted. The only way to find out is to stick around for another year.




Oh, perish the thought! I don’t want to think about that now!