Killing Mentality and Ennui

I hate the weekends when I have nothing to do. In my old job, I would work every weekend. Although I disliked it at times, I felt productive because I wasn’t wasting time; I was earning money and helping people. My weekends are now filled with lesson plans or grading papers. I think this is worse, only because it takes so much longer, and the mental work it involves completely drains me. I spent three hours today doing grades, and I had to take a nap right after. I hate THINKING for long periods of time!!!

After my nap, I suddenly felt restless. That’s the worst part of this! I never feel that my time is my time. As I’m trying to relax, my mind is thinking of lesson plans. I’ve somehow convinced myself that my free time should not be wasted, but for planning and for doing something productive that involves schoolwork. What kind of rest and relaxation is that? My R&R is spent in a fetal position, huddling in my room. Isn’t that sad? I had to go out for a drive to relax myself. I needed to get away from the computer, the binders, and textbooks that surround me at home. After six hours of wandering around the city, I finally felt at ease.

I need to get into that mode where I shouldn’t feel guilty just because I need time to myself. Why isn’t the weekend any longer? Why doesn’t the school celebrate Columbus Day and let us have the holiday? Why do I have to go to work tomorrow? I don’t want to start thinking again…