Nearly a week of not writing in a blog, and my thoughts have become backlogged. Sounds like my job.

THOUGHT #1: I have realized that grading papers will never end for an English teacher; so why spend five hours after school doing it and wishfully thinking that it will? Can you say "futile"?

THOUGHT #2: Driving relaxes me. Of course, I have already mentioned this. That time alone in my car for about 40 minutes is my time to be in my own little world.

THOUGHT #3: This might be a long one…. Last week was the most hectic time I’ve had, and it came to the point where I stressed out so much that I couldn’t think anymore, which stressed me out even more. I cried, I pissed off at my parents, and nearly cried myself to sleep. And even when I went to sleep, I was subconsciously thinking of the next day—planning, strategizing, and organizing—all this while I slept. Did I have relaxing moment? HELL NO! When the day was over, I called up the principal’s secretary and set up a long overdue appointment with the principal.

My meeting with the principal was like my first day of school: successful and disastrous at the same time. It was successful because we had a heart-to-heart conversation about teaching, and my career as a teacher; disastrous because I have come to a decision which I’m not proud of at all. When I realized that teaching for the rest of my life may not be the life I want, I had to make the decision to tell the principal so he can think ahead about what to do in the next semester. I have honestly tried to stick it out. Veteran teachers have told me time and again that the first year of teaching is not the year to make judgments about the profession. It’s the most stressful and difficult year, and you are never thinking straight anyway due to dysphoria. As I tried to figure out if my feelings were based on these “first-year doubts,” or if they were my own self-realizations, I know now that they were based on my own self-realizations. Teaching is not for me… not at this time. I told this to the principal, and he thanked me for being honest.

It’s not a realization that I have come to take lightly. I am disappointed in myself that I have even come to this conclusion. It’s only been a month, and already I feel like I’m giving up. But for my own good, and especially for the students, I really need to step away from the entire teaching profession for a while to reevaluate myself. That passion that I once had while I was going through the credential program is no longer there. That passion was the fuel that kept me going no matter how stressful it became. It was that passion that kept me alive and positive.

Like dirt on a campfire, the work overload has burnt me out. I sat in a library to sort out my thoughts, and I went back to basics by asking myself questions about why I wanted to go into teaching. These were my reasons:

A) I wanted to help kids succeed.
B) I wanted the kids to care about their own success.
C) I wanted to share the joy of literature.
D) I wanted them to be better writers and communicators so that they will be successful in college and in the work force.
E) I really wanted to make a difference.

These are the ideals that inspire first year teachers, and they are heavily tested during that first year. I have fallen into that English-teacher stereotype where I have become cynical and bitter; where everyday I want to say something sarcastic and biting to a kid who asks something stupid. There are times when a "power-trip" is more enjoyable than smiling at a student. This is why I need to step away from the teaching profession. Do any of those reasons still apply to me now? Only A and E, but they are not enough to keep me around for another semester. My negativity is affecting my teaching, and that will affect the kids. For their sake, I need to step out.

So, I have come full circle: “…have you ever rushed to do something because you wanted it so badly, and then when you finally have it, you’re not sure if you really want it because you never stopped to think about it?”

Next semester, I will finally have the time to think about it.