The Mother Card. Women pull this like some black people pull the "race card" when they don't get their way or don't like what they hear.
I am single. I have no children. I have dedicated myself to my career. This is the choice I have made. This is not to say that I am against marriage or against having children; it is just those options were not part of the path that I have chosen to walk. If they cross my path in the future, I certainly am open to it; but at this point in my life, I am deaf to the biological clock.
In a woman's life, there is a prominent fork in the road: career or motherhood. Men never had that choice because most men don't think the responsibility of care-taking as a career. They were taught to just succeed in their life, mostly through their profession. But women do have to make that choice. If they focus on their career, they postpone motherhood. If they choose motherhood, it's difficult to go back to the working world. If they strive for both, which is possible, neither job is perfect. In the workplace, they will get criticized for not dedicating enough time to their job; and at home, Mommy may not always have time for the family or just seem "too busy" for anything else.
I have chosen to dedicate myself to my profession. I realize the consequence of my choice: delayed marriage, delayed motherhood, or even the possibility of staying single and childless for the rest of my life. I understand the choice I made and I can certainly live with it. I have been criticized that I am a workaholic and that I need "a personal life." I'm not insulted when people say such things, but I do get insulted when another woman says to me, "What will happen when you have kids?" or when they insinuate that having a husband or having children will "cure" me of my workaholism. The women who make these kinds of comments to me are usually the women who try to have both: career and motherhood.
I give praise to the women who actually perfected their half-and-half lifestyle, but from personal observation, I have not seen one woman who has chosen both career and motherhood perfect both aspects of their lives. The women who have children leave school early so they can be with their own kids, so their work suffers. The general complaint from coworkers and students is that those women are unavailable or delay paperwork (i.e. grades and progress reports). When these same women ask for help on how to teach certain things, or ask for tips or suggestions, they also reply that my suggestions or tips are too time-consuming for their lifestyle.
I leave it at that. Like all lesson plans that I give out, teachers need to make it their own and make it fit their personality and style. When I criticize women for their lack of time or dedication to their job, I keep it to myself. I don't openly criticize their life or their children. I will never say to another woman that children got in the way of her career. I realize that if I said anything about it, I am holding them to a standard that I live by, which is not right. Career was my choice. Half-and-half was theirs (and if you ask me, half-assed). I just wish those women would have the same courtesy towards me. They should not assume that I am a workaholic just because I lack a husband or lack children of my own. I do not want their pity because they (mistakenly) think my life is empty without the joy of motherhood.
My life is defined by my choices, not societal expectations that all women should be mothers.
2 comments:
"I have not seen one woman who has chosen both career and motherhood perfect both aspects of their lives."
Is perfection necessary in this case?
You're right. They don't need to be perfect, but it still bugs me when women use the other reason to explain why they can't handle the other job (i.e. they're bad at their job because they're a mother first; or they feel guilty for being a bad mother because they focus on their career). Then when someone (not me) calls them out on their incompetence (whichever task), they won't admit that their plate is full.
Some women strive to be that "superwoman" who can do it all. The way I see it, it's too much and they stress out and lose focus. I admit that multi-tasking is not my strong suit, and I know I won't be able to handle motherhood and teaching. I choose to focus on one, and I have become good at what I do. When another female teacher awes at my expertise, they also like to add in the fact that they they have a busier and more "accomplished/fulfilled" life because they have both (career and kids). That's where I end the conversation. Who's to say whose life is more fulfilled? I choose to spend my time perfecting my craft, and some women choose to spend their time nurturing their family. One is not better than the other, for both women are doing what they want to do and doing what they love.
I don't compare myself to those women because that would be like comparing one apple to a bundle of bananas. But some women like to compare; they want to hint that their busier lifestyle means they are more accomplished or fulfilled than I am. I don't understand why they have to suggest that I should have kids, too, or get married soon. It's a rude comment to make when we should be discussing work-related issues. If I wanted to be equally rude, I would gladly suggest that they should try working harder at their career... but like I said, I'm not holding them to my standard. I should not be held to theirs.
I have nothing against working mothers, but they have to realize that they have made a choice to have a busier life. So if my life seems easier and more carefree than theirs, they only have to look back at themselves, not push me to be like them.
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