A student of mine passed away this weekend. I hate emotional moments like this, when I'm taken by surprise. Of course, that's what happens when Death pays a visit. He is an uninvited guest that people hope would leave.
I took a moment away from the students in the morning, but I couldn't stay away from the class that knew her. The grief counselors came in, but none of the kids wanted to talk to them. Although the counselors suggested that I take the afternoon off, part of me just felt it wasn't right to leave the students alone with strangers either. After the counselors left, the students opened up a little; apparently, they didn't want to talk to them. The students wanted to talk amongst themselves. They wanted to remember their friend with laughter and funny stories, not with cries and tears, like the counselors expected them to. They even got me to talk about it. It helped a little to talk about it in a happy way rather than with sadness.
I did leave school early, but I didn't want to go home right away either. When it comes to grief, I'd rather just bury myself in work so I won't think about it. I felt guilty for some reason, like I didn't have the right to go about my normal day. I went to the bank and did some laundry when I got home, but the whole time, I kept thinking of my student.
Some people will say that burying yourself in work or denying that death happened is not how to handle grief, but who cares? Doesn't everyone handle their grief in their own way? I dislike it most when people try to analyze it and try to rationalize what I feel. When I want to remember my student in my own way, and someone tells me that there are five stages of grief, do I really care what stage I'm in? I do know that I'll get through this, and so will my kids... I guess I just really hate grieving in public.
I feel selfish now. I can't stay home tomorrow because I need my work to give me a sense of normalcy and routine; yet at the same time, I don't want to be around people. I feel guilty if stay home, and I feel guilty if I'm not there for my kids either.
1 comment:
Life is a game that, simply put, none of us will ever win. As the decay of the word escalates, those that pass before us are the lucky ones. What really is your student missing out on: the chance to be killed in a random gang shooting, the chance to be discriminated against by the same programs that were set into place to help her, or perhaps she would have had the chance to fall victim to some disease which has no cure? Instead of grieving over her death, you should be celebrating her release. There is no point to lament over the certainties of life anymore. Society has failed us all, as the streets are far from safe, the neighborhoods are overrun with drugs and crime, and the education system has become corrupted. Education, like it or not, is a service sector. Many people have failed to remember this, and instead see children only as a source of income. School districts would rather see a child go to school everyday and fail, than to let them graduate early, so that they may look for work to support their family. This is all so that they can get their money. And speaking about money: why is it that school administrators assume that we can all afford the luxuries that they overindulge themselves with? Children sometimes struggle to get to school on time, and are placed into detention, while the school staff takes an extended lunch break and cruise around town in their BMW's or Jaguars? They say that children are the key to the future. If that is true, then the future does not look very bright. No matter how much money is constantly being thrown at a problem, no matter how many ideas are realized, a problem does not get solved with inaction. With the new proposed budget cuts, what money will there be to throw? It is no longer the period of enlightenment or idealization, but instead is the time of action. For too long people have been proposing this or hypothesizing that? Instead of imagining, it is time that they begin enacting and enabling.
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