The Paradox Within

I feel I’m at a crossroad. Sometimes I think it’s still too soon to say such a thing after starting a new career, but this crossroad is suddenly in my face. I’ve been anticipating it all along, even while I was still in the credential program. 

I’m selfish and unselfish at the same time. Teaching is the career where both these qualities come out. 

I am selfish because I like my time to be MY time. With teaching, I devote my entire waking time to instructing, lesson planning, and the daunting task of grading and evaluating 180 papers and assignments from each student (well, a little less than that since some of them don’t even do their assignments). My time is no longer my time. I want to blow everything off. 

I am unselfish. I care about these students. I care about the quality of my work so they can be better individuals. In a way, I’m watching out for them and even a bit part of the population as these students grow up to be part of our society. Some of my evaluators have noticed that I care too much that I will devote my time to one student if that means helping just one to understand. I honestly feel that I can change this world with my profession, but that’s just not possible. Yet I still try. 

This is the crossroad: continue to sacrifice myself as I try to help these ungrateful and lazy students, or embrace my selfish nature at the cost of educating them? It's a bad thing when a teacher says, "I don't care," yet sometimes I feel that way. If some of these kids don't care about their future, why should I?