It's Not Flattery To Me

In the past two weeks, I've been strangely hit on by men. I say "strangely" because I don't really consider myself a magnet for the male eye. Actually, I don't even pay attention if the opposite sex is paying attention to me. A few times in the past, male friends had to tell me that some guys were trying to pick me up because I was too naive to notice anything beyond the "Hey, how you doing?" greeting.

In truth, being picked up on is not something I consider flattery or complimentary. I don't know whether I am being complimented or just being ogled. Other times, harmless questions are an invasion of privacy. Take the two men who tried to hit on me the past two weeks: both have asked, in some indirect and elliptical manner, if I was involved with someone. The cable guy who came to repair the internet asked if I lived alone or with a boyfriend; while a new colleague at work (under the guise of trying to get to know me), asked if spend my freetime with anyone. Then he complimented my body type--whatever!

In both cases, I find it to be an invasion of privacy. Cable guy: you came to fix my internet. I don't care about small talk. New colleague: I don't date coworkers, and neither should you try to use the workplace to pick up anyone else. I believe being hit on or being picked up must be at a place that is appropriate for social gathering--either a bar or a coffee shop or a restaurant. Maybe even in random place that instigates conversation, like a bookstore (not a library) or concert hall. But never while someone is at work or is working. Cable guy should not have asked about my living situation while trying to work on wires around my apartment, and new colleague should not have complimented my body while I was doing inventory. In both situations, I was not in the mood to be hit on. That's the key: I have to be in the mood. Here are other examples of places where I was hit on, and I was actually turned off:

• Library: I was studying for a final, and I was stressed out trying to write a paper. Some dude tried talking to me in Tagalog--which I don't even speak. Then he tried asking for my phone number. I was stressed. I was studying. I wanted a quiet place. No, I was not in the mood.
• Lecture hall at a university: I was waiting for friends. I was drawing, then I was reading. Some guy asked to see my drawing and tried to talk to me. Conversation was going nowhere. It made me uncomfortable. I fled as soon as I spotted my friends.
• Wedding: Weddings are a great place to meet people, but not after the guy reveals he impregnated his history teacher at sixteen years old. As a teacher, I was appalled and disgusted. It not only killed the mood, he gave me the heebeejeebees the rest of the evening.
• In my own home: repairmen should just come and fix whatever they need to fix. Don't try to check me or my place out. In addition, you're not hot when you're all sweaty and dirty.
• At work: I'm too preoccupied with kids and work. Ninety percent of the time, I will not be in the mood to talk about my personal life. The other ten percent, I'm too preoccupied with my students' personal lives.

Not to say that dating a coworker is taboo; as long as people know the differences of personal and professional boundaries. I've known plenty of friends and other coworkers who have met spouses through work. Maybe I would be more open to talk about my personal life outside and off campus, while I'm hanging out with coworkers in a more relaxed setting, but never on campus when other people could be listening or get the wrong message. And I certainly would not want to get anyone else into trouble while they were working.

I have pretty much knocked out all the places where one could be picked up, but there have been ideal places where men have spoken to me in a friendly way and I was engaged in conversation. Although numbers were never exchanged, that's the beauty of it: I never felt like he was ogling me or trying to pick me up. It's nice to just have a conversation and expect nothing out of it:

• CD shop: some guy translated a French title for me and we started talking about traveling.
• bookstore: some guy recommended a vampire novel, so I recommended one for him, too. We had a great conversation about books.
• geek convention: some guy didn't have a camera and asked if I could take a picture of him and the celebrity we were in line to see; we exchanged email addresses, and we're still friends to this day.
• on an airplane (50/50 luck with who you sit next to): the guy who sat next to me was an engineer, and he initiated conversation by saying hello. I asked how planes fly, and in laymen's terms, he talked about lift, air molecules, drag, wing curvature, etc. Physics was my favorite science. Academic nerd talk can be quite stimulating.
• museum: I was in Japan when this happened. An elderly gentlemen offered to take me into the Tokyo National Museum when he saw me heading in, because he could go in free with a guest. With the little English he knew, and the little Japanese I knew, we strolled through the medieval wooden print exhibition and talked about each other's cultures.

In these places, I never felt ogled or threatened. Intellectual conversation certainly helps to move things along. If any of these men asked had asked for my phone number, I would have been inclined to give it. Only one asked for my email, but even then, we turned out be good friends. None of these men asked about my personal life or if I was attached to anyone. Good conversation hooked me in, and I would have talked about anything once I got comfortable. I find it flattering the most when a guy notices I'm smart first, sexy second.