The Relationship With My Country

On this blog, I have explored facets of my identity as a woman, as a Filipino, and as an American. In my moments of exploration, I have had ups and downs about my value and worth as a citizen and my responsibility as an educator. I have measured myself and my citizenship with standards of "White" America. Recent events in the past two weeks have made me rethink my identity as a person of color, not as an Asian-American. I have reflected recently about my relationship with Black America. This might sound racist, but it isn't. I see it as breaking up with one boyfriend and moving on with a new one. A new relationship is going to make me see myself differently. I have reread some of my old posts, and they need to updated or qualified, given that I have grown and developed again. I've had some pretty major life changes since my last post in 2014, and my experiences have made me rethink and review my identity, my values, and my loyalty to a country. These past two weeks have been painful, but also eye-opening. Renewal is not easy, but it feels good to start on the road to healing.

Sexiest and Most Flirtatious Exchange Ever.

NEFF
I wish you'd tell me what's engraved on that anklet.

PHYLLIS
Just my name.

NEFF
As for instance?

PHYLLIS
Phyllis.

NEFF
Phyllis. I think I like that.

PHYLLIS
But you're not sure?

NEFF
I'd have to drive it around the block a couple of times.

PHYLLIS
(Standing up again)
Mr. Neff, why don't you drop by tomorrow evening about eight-thirty. He'll be in then.

NEFF
Who?

PHYLLIS
My husband. You were anxious to talk to him weren't you?

NEFF
Sure, only I'm getting over it a little. If you know what I mean.

PHYLLIS
There's a speed limit in this state, Mr. Neff. Forty-five miles an hour.

NEFF
How fast was I going, officer?

PHYLLIS
I'd say about ninety.

NEFF
Suppose you get down off your motorcycle and give me a ticket.

PHYLLIS
Suppose I let you off with a warning this time.

NEFF
Suppose it doesn't take.

PHYLLIS
Suppose I have to whack you over the knuckles.

NEFF
Suppose I bust out crying and put my head on your shoulder.

PHYLLIS
Suppose you try putting it on my husband's shoulder.

NEFF
That tears it.

Double Indemnity (1944)
Screenplay by Billy Wilder and Raymond Chandler
Novel by James M. Cain

What I Meant to Say…

In the past few days, philosophical thoughts have been stewing in my head. The ingredients for such a deadly concoction have come from my master’s program as well as from one inquisitive student who always knew the right thing to ask or say.

One day, in the midst of a writing lesson, he asked, “How do you study for English?”

That is a question that has always been on my mind as I argue with students about the importance of English, the importance of reading, and the importance of understanding one's own identity. This question is always in the back of my mind because I mulled over on how to answer it appropriately. I had all the answers in my head, stockpiled like ammo, but when he put me on the spot that day, I didn’t know which one to tell him. But as a teacher, it wasn’t my job to give him the answers; it’s a student’s job to seek the answer that will best satisfy him. I gave him a response that probably only confused him more, but it totally made perfect sense to me: “You can’t study for English.” And since I said this aloud, I’m sure I confused my other students who twitched at my reply. They were probably thinking, “Then why am I taking English?”

I went home that day feeling unsatisfied. I was unsatisfied because I felt I failed at any attempt to enlighten my student, I failed to grasp a teaching moment and run with it and have a deep discussion, and most of all, I failed at getting my own meaning across. That last part was the epic fail: failure to communicate my ideas. It became the epiphany in my career because I’m finally putting down the words of what I believe. I am an English teacher, but “English” doesn’t even begin to encompass what I really teach.

How do you study for English? What I meant to say was English is beyond grammar and vocabulary. English is more than a composition of parts of speech, syntax, and sentence diagramming. Those are just rules that can be applied. They are the mechanics to help you edit your writing. You can’t memorize every single grammar rule or every vocabulary word, just as you can’t ride a bike by memorizing bike parts. You ride a bike by getting in the seat and falling a few times until you find your balance. Grammar and vocabulary are the same way. They are building blocks to help you with your writing, but if you never write and see the training wheels of my red pen, then you are not building your skills.

How do you study for English? What I meant to say was that we are studying communication skills. We are studying how to read, write, speak, and listen effectively. Just because you talk in English or read in English doesn’t mean you are fluent in English; just as healing yourself when you’re sick doesn’t make you a doctor. To help you practice all the grammar and vocabulary, we are going to practice with the English language because that is what we speak. I’m evaluating you on your effectiveness in your communication skills. It’s not about whether you got the right or wrong answer; it’s about whether or not you clearly organized your thoughts and then conveyed them clearly to me so that I understand you.

How do you study for English? What I meant to say was English is not about loving literature and books. Literature is a just a vehicle for ideas, so English class really focuses on exploring ideas, whether you agree with them or not. Literature—whether it’s nonfiction, novels, poetry, short stories, or plays—gives us something to talk about, and learn about the world, too. With books and poetry, we can sympathize with lovers of the past, we can travel to a tropical island and watch the downfall of humanity; we can read about political strategies of evil masterminds and ponder their morality. Literature is so varied, so we can talk about anything and everything. It makes you think outside of your immediate space. You can hate a book and its characters, but if you want to debate and criticize, then you’re exploring ideas that are not your own. That’s all I ask. If you love a book, it’s not because you love the characters, it’s because you agreed with an idea and you felt justified in your own thoughts. That’s what literature really is: it is a gift of perspective. You will learn of a life outside of your own. It is a gift of empathy, for you will learn how to understand people that you may meet in your real life. Literature is a dress rehearsal for reality. It can strengthen you or break you, just like life.

Dear Student, when you asked me “How do you study for English,” what I meant to say was that there is no way to study LIFE. English falls under the humanities, and humanities means exactly what it means: to study what makes us human. It is the study of music, poetry, arts, politics, philosophies, ethics, language, and cultures. In the nine months that you sit in my “English” class, I cannot give you any advice or instruction on how to understand the depth of humanity, nor do I have the time to teach all of that. To understand humanity, one must embrace and understand how we live. Simply put: we must practice at having and living a life.

I wrote this essay, dear Student, to show you that one moment in the classroom became a learning epiphany for my career. One simple question you raised inspired me to think about my life and my role as a teacher. My reflective thoughts became an essay. My essay became the literary vehicle to express myself. Now I share it with you, dear Student, and I ask you, “Was I effective in conveying my thoughts? Did I answer your question? Do you understand my values and ethics as a teacher? Do you understand where I’m coming from now?”

How do you study for English? What I meant to say was “Let’s explore ideas. Let’s express and communicate our ideas through writing and speaking. We are practicing English, not studying it.”

So don’t study this essay. I’m not going to quiz you, I’m not going to ask if you know what certain vocabulary words mean, I’m not going to ask if you recognize the rhetorical strategies I used (and I did use some), I’m not asking you to memorize this because this piece of literature will be useless to you in college; but I hope the idea will be useful for you in life.